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February 3, 2006

asked her. “I just named our goldfish, goldie” and she smiled. I wondered if these were the last few things she would ever ask me for. And as soon as she slept, I ran to the house and put goldie in a cover with some water and came to the ward. I think it had taken me roughly thirty minutes to come back. And then…..
There was a small crowd of nurses and doctors outside that ward who were hurrying in and out. Somebody shouted,” She’s not breathing…she’s not breathing. Give her this injection. And put that oxygen mask on her face, for Christ’s sake.” “God…not working…not working.” And there was a long beep…..
After sometime everybody went out and I had to go inside the room. I had brought her “goldie”. She had asked for it…didn’t she? She cannot possibly go to a deep sleep. There must be some way to wake her up….there has to be some way….. I went close to her ear and whispered. “ Hey Amogha….wake up. Look goldie is here to say hello to you.” I knew that they couldn’t talk to each other. I knew she had left me alone. I knew that she had gone close to her mother. I knew that there will not be anymore walks and ice-creams. But….but I was her father…and if I had a choice, I would have chose not to believe the whole thing that had just happened. Choice, huh…it’s something that you always hope for and every time you choose something you ask yourself, was that the right thing to do? Then why have a choice at all!!!
Well, I believe that everything has got a destiny of its own. And a man does what he does until destiny finds him. I had lost my most beloved ones on the planet and people ask me how it feels like? Well, I would say look into my eyes and you will know. Look into my eyes and they will tell you what’s missing in my life. Look into my eyes and I tell you, you will forget that you had asked a question like that at all. Life wasn’t pretty much the same after they left me alone. They say it’s still the same sun and same moon. It’s still the same air and it’s still the same….blah…blah. But I ask you, is it worth it? Is it worth it when you choose to not feel anything for all these gifts that nature has for us?

Now, all that’s left for me are few photographs and loads of thoughts and images from the past. It’s so difficult to understand why you love someone so much. That morning in the hospital with my daughter had taught me something. What it is…..I still have to find out. Life passes most people by, while they are making grand plans for it. Now I force a smile on my face and try to believe that my angel is still with me. I go on long walks now….alone. I still eat my ice-creams and play with goldie. Once I had made a promise that I wouldn’t leave goldie unhappy and I couldn’t break it. You see, we still are one happy family. It’s just that I don’t see them often around. They are still there….they are still there. But…yes there’s always a but….I am living a life without A…..reason. I am living a life without A……

One Comment leave one →
  1. Abhilash Ravishankar permalink
    February 6, 2006 3:48 pm

    Good one, mate!

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